


I Write Sins Not Tradgedies

by DorianWilde



Series: The speed dating AU [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alive Hale Family, Alive Laura Hale, Crack, Humor, M/M, Näcken, Wedding, bossy!family, swedish evil dude, this is the final part okay guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 08:20:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1851091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DorianWilde/pseuds/DorianWilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Derek, I'm freaking out,” Stiles said frantically when he'd answered. “There is so much freaking out going on over here, you don't even know.”</p><p>“... are you bailing?” Derek asked, ninety percent sure he wouldn't. Besides, Derek had the keys to the ugly piece of car that was Stiles’ precious jeep. He could not believe he'd put up with that hideous monstrosity for three years. He had only managed to switch the license plate, which now read “1 PUG 007.”</p><p>“NO! No, of course not,” Stiles assured him. ”Scott's blocking the door anyways. I'm kidding, oh my god. No but really, Boyd is on door duty, Scott is holding my hand and that is just so not the point. Is it warm in here? It's really warm in here.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Write Sins Not Tradgedies

**Author's Note:**

> Betad by Bengsi, she be awesome that way.

“Are you sure you're not going to do anything about your hair?” Peter drawled.

 

“What's wrong with my hair?” Derek snapped.

 

“Nothing, just ...” Peter exchanged _a look_ with Laura. Derek wasn't sure how Lucifer and The Darkness That Had No Name had wound up sitting in his dressing room. He just felt like he should have gotten a say in it.

 

“Maybe more wax–?” Laura was suggesting as Derek's phone started blaring out _What Does the Fox Say?_

 

“Derek, I'm freaking out,” Stiles said frantically when he'd answered. “There is so much freaking out going on over here, you don't even know.”

 

“... are you bailing?” Derek asked, ninety percent sure he wouldn't. Besides, Derek had the keys to the ugly piece of car that was Stiles’ precious jeep. He could not believe he'd put up with that hideous monstrosity for three years. He had only managed to switch the license plate, which now read “1 PUG 007.”

 

“NO! No, of course not,” Stiles assured him. ”Scott's blocking the door anyways. I'm kidding, oh my god. No but really, Boyd is on door duty, Scott is holding my hand and that is just _so_ not the point. Is it warm in here? It's really warm in here.”

 

“Stiles, relax.”

 

“I'm trying to, but Melissa won’t give me the good stuff! … D'you think Deaton will give me some horse tranquilizer?” Stiles sounded disturbingly hopeful.

 

Derek snorted, rolling his eyes. “It's gonna be fine. Everyone's expecting you to trip and fall on your face anyway.” He smirked.

 

“You are such an asshole. Okay, gotta go. Love you. Byeeee.”

 

“Love you too, bye.”

 

“Dude, you're crushing my hand,” he vaguely heard Scott say before he hung up. Derek rolled his eyes fondly.

 

“He nervous?” Laura asked, adjusting Derek’s suit jacket, straitening the lapels, eyeing his hair.

 

“He's … Stiles.” Derek shrugged, smiling. He batted Laura’s hands away and elbowed Peter in the stomach as his uncle tried to sneak some more wax into his hair. Letting out a long breath, Derek inspected his reflection. Simple black suit, light blue dress shirt and a black tie. And blue canvas shoes, because Stiles had, for reasons that eluded Derek, insisted on it.

 

“You ready, baby brother?” Laura said, meting his eyes in the mirror, eyes suspiciously moist.

 

“No?” Derek said, suddenly overwhelmed by his own nerves.

 

“Well, too bad,” Laura cackled and pushed him towards the door. “Time to get hitched, little bro.”

 

-'-'-

 

Stiles gave him a nervous smile, reaching for his hand. He looked great, and Derek told him so, squeezing his hand. They'd chosen to be outside, close to a nice river and a small forest. They'd set up simple chairs for their friends and family, and would have the reception at a close-by hotel where all of them would stay the night.

 

The music began playing and if Derek's hands were shaking only Stiles had to know. Laura gave them a quick smile before preceding them down the aisle, arm in arm with Scott.

 

The priest guy, Nicky, had a funny accent and looked vaguely like Alexander Skarsgard, Derek had no idea where Laura had found him. Jennifer Blake, their original priest, had wound up in jail two days ago for murder, kidnapping and assault. Which some might say was a bad omen. Stiles had decided to see it as justice being served, especially since he'd one of the people working on the case.

 

“Dearly beloved ...”

 

Derek's and Stiles' fathers were crying manly tears. Erica alternated between hitting Isaac excitedly, and crying on an embarrassed looking Cora's shoulder.

 

“If there is any reason these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.” The priests blue eyes swept over the assembled guests as if expecting someone to speak up.

 

Talia turned around and glared at the crowd, daring anyone to as much as breath loudly.

 

Derek had never heard a more quiet group of people.

 

Saying “I do,” was the easiest thing Derek had ever done, Stiles grinning like mad. Scott only dropped the ring once, and Laura pinched Derek's side before handing it over, making him do a little jump.

 

They were walking back down the aisle when Derek heard the first few notes from a violin.

 

Then all hell broke loose.

-'-'-

 

“When did he have time to undress?” Scott asked, gaping at the naked priest.

 

“And where did his clothes go?” Isaac added thoughtfully, grabbing Cora's arm as she took a step towards the man, a bit slack jawed.

 

“I'm in love with a fairytale / even though it huuurts!” the priest sang passionately. “And I don't care if I lose my mind / I'm already cursed!” He proceeded to intensely play his violin again, blonde hair bouncing around his head as he leaned over the instrument.

 

“Ooh, his eyes are glowing green,” Stiles said in fascination, hand still in Derek's. “Weren't they blue earlier? They totally were, weren't they?” He frowned as if thinking about it. “We should probably do something about the supernatural dude hijacking our wedding,” he added as an afterthought, tapping his fingers against his lips.

 

”Yeah probably,” Derek drawled, looking at his husband. Or, did the ceremony actually count if the priest turned out to be some kind of supernatural violin-playing thingy? He looked at Nicky, seeing Laura sway towards him, as if almost dancing. “LAURA, DON'T!” he shouted.

 

”But he's so pretty,” Laura said dreamily, taking another step against the naked priest who was still playing his violin like mad. If that in itself wasn't weird, he was also sporting a flower crown which Derek knew he hadn't been wearing a few seconds ago.

 

The music suddenly changed, becoming slower, and Derek found himself slowly swaying. Isaac and Scott were waltzing like their life depended on it while Cora slowly spun in circles. Derek looked around desperately, but everyone seemed to be in the music's grip. He shook his head. He'd been doing something. Something important ...

 

“Dance with me!” Stiles beamed, grabbing his hands roughly. Derek was somewhat aware of time passing, it must have because they were dancing, they _had_ to dance, would never stop dancing.

 

Until suddenly they did, falling to the ground like a marionette getting its strings cut off.

 

Derek blearily looked up to see all his guests lying around on the grass in various states of dishevelment.

 

“Is … is your sister riding away on a giant white horse?” Stiles asked, sounding out of breath. “Oh my god, Derek! Your sister is being kidnapped by a giant horse!”

 

Everyone stood staring after the disappearing horse in utter bewilderment – because, what the hell just happened? – before snapping out of it and running after.

 

The werewolves managed to catch up with them first just as they were nearing the small river. Laura was slumped over the horse's back, humming softly to herself, playing with his mane.

 

“Oi! Horsey!” Isaac called, making the horse halt for a second, turning around to glare disdainfully at him.

 

“Don't you fucking dare hurt my sister,” Derek snapped, taking a step towards them. The horse shifted back into Nicky, suddenly fabulously dressed in 18th century clothing, Laura un-logically winding up in his arms bridal style. His violin was hanging precariously between his thumb and index finger and his eyes were growing an even stronger green.

 

“I'm not gonna hurt her, I'm just gonna drown her,” he told them soothingly. “Then I'm going to drown the rest of you, it'll be a blast!”

 

Cora took a step towards them, claws out, fangs bared, but as she neared the water, a small wave un-naturally threw itself over her feet. She instantly froze, gasping.

 

“This is my element!” Nicky crowed, grinning in a slightly deranged sort of way. “You can't win!”

 

“SMASH THE VIOLIN!” Lydia shrieked, clinging to Erica's back as the blonde ran up to them, Lydia somehow managing to read on her iPad at the same time.

 

“Too late! She's mine!” Nicky called, taking one hurried step into the water.

 

“Not my daughter, you bitch!” Talia roared, threw herself forward, grabbing the violin and smashing it against a conveniently nearby rock.

 

“ _Vad i helvete!_ I can't believe you broke that! So rude!” Nicky looked like he was about to cry, while Laura shook her head dazedly, blinking at the water surrounding her feet.

 

“You were going to drown my daughter!”

 

“Only a little bit.” Nicky blinked big blue eyes at her. “It's an honor, you know, to be drowned by Näcken. In Sweden-”

 

Laura punched him on the mouth.

 

 

 

-'-'-

 

“According to the bestiary he's a Swedish water spirit,” Lydia said, frowning at her iPad. “Not sure what it's doing in California.” She absently pulled a twig from her hair.

 

“Vaycay,” the spirit muttered, cradling his broken violin, glaring at them with big blue eyes. “I was meeting up with my cousins, but I honestly can't stand them. They're always bossing me around, stealing my violin and telling me how to drown people,” he sulked, pouting.

 

Derek found himself sympathizing against his will.

 

“I'll banish him back to Sweden,” Deaton volunteered.

 

“Aaawww, come on!” 'Nicky' complained.

 

“Well,” Stiles began as Deaton walked off, 'Nicky' in tow. “It's not everyone's priest that turns out to be a Swedish evil water spirit that's set on drowning all the guests,” Stiles mused. “It's a good story for the grandkids,” he added, grinning at Derek.

 

“We'd have to have kids before they have kids,” Derek pointed out.

 

”You're thinking about having kids?” Talia demanded, eyes getting a manic gleam.

 

Dear god.

 

“Dibs on godfather!” Scott immediately called.

 

“Dammit!” Laura swore, glaring at him. “You better have more than one.” The look she gave him was frightening.

 

“I'm not passing my genes along,” Derek said, stalling, because they'd kind of discussed it, they'd kind of done _more_ than discussed it, but he really did not need his grandchildren-craving parents and Stiles' crazy pack hounding them about it.

 

Pun intended.

 

“Aaaww Der-der, ickle babies wud giant eyebwows,” Stiles cooed, waggling his own eyebrows.

 

“I got my genes from mum,” Derek said. “Which means our child will come from the same gene pool as Cora. And Laura.”

 

“I drove dad's cruiser, broke two windows, kidnapped the neighbor's cat _and_ set the house on fire,” Stiles said, rubbing his neck. “Before I was five.”

 

“Imagine the combination,” Scott breathed, awed.

  
“Scotty boy, I can't actually get Derek pregnant,” Stiles teased.

 

Talia cleared her throat. “Well, actually ...”

 

“ _What_?” Derek and Stiles chorused, staring at her with equally horrified looks.

 

“Kidding!” Talia laughed evilly.

 

“I got it on camera!” Cora crowed, because as mentioned before, same gene pool, same evil madness.

 

-'-'-

 

“Should we tell them we've already found a surrogate?” Stiles asked as he sat down on the bed, untying his shoes.

 

“No. We're not telling anyone. Ever,” Derek said firmly, carefully hanging his suit jacket in the closet.

 

He was exhausted.

 

They'd said their “I do”-s to Deaton – because apparently he was also a minister, something about performing exorsism, Derek hadn't asked for details – and had then spent a couple of hours at the reception, mingling and dancing. The party had still been going strong when they'd, left accompanied by catcalls.

 

“Yeah, they probably won’t notice,” Stiles drawled, carelessly throwing his own jacket on the floor.

 

“Obviously we're moving to Sweden. That nookie? Nackeh?- guy was rather nice.”

 

“I think it's 'Näcken'. And rude. He tried to drown Laura.”

 

“Exactly,” Derek smirked. Stiles laughed.

 

“C'mere,” he said, patting the bed next to him. “This room was freaking expensive.”

 

-'-'-

 

“Google faster!” Talia demanded.

 

“I'm not goog- never mind. Would you _chill_?” Danny snapped as every single member of the Hale and McCall packs looked over his shoulder. Seriously, they'd barely made it from the reception before Erika had dragged him over to her laptop, demanding he's 'look up the thing.' “I just need to hack ...” he muttered. “There! They've applied for a surrogate.”

 

The amount of squealing was deafening.

 

-'-'-

 

Derek sat up in bed, looking around frantically. He hadn't been really asleep yet, just on the verge between wakefulness and sleep.

 

“What?” Stiles looked at him curiously, sitting up as well.

 

“I … though I heard something,” Derek mumbled, scratching his head.

 

“Like what?” Stiles looked worried now.

 

“I don't know.” Derek suddenly shivered. “I just have a really bad feeling.”

 

 

 

___________________

_Song sang by Näcken: Fairytale – Alexander Rybak_

**[I'm on tumblr](http://wilderambles.tumblr.com/) sometimes I post sneak peaks. Come say hi or tell me how brilliant and humble I am.**

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last fic in this series you guys! I mean it this time! *Waggles finger* Lemme know if you liked it, mmmkay?


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